How to establish boundaries with family for better relationships
It’s normal for your relationship with your parents or loved ones to evolve as you grow older. Your parents will always be your parents but that doesn’t mean the dynamic has to remain the same.
Establishing healthy boundaries is one of the most empowering things you can do for yourself and your relationships.
For many South Africans, family ties are deeply intertwined with culture and tradition. While this connection is beautiful, it can also make setting boundaries difficult.
Saying “no” or asserting your needs might feel like disrespect or rejection, but boundaries are actually about creating healthier, more respectful relationships — not breaking them.
Boundaries are a form of self-care. They communicate what you will and won’t tolerate in your interactions with others.
This might include physical limits (e.g., needing personal space), emotional boundaries (e.g., avoiding conversations that make you uncomfortable), or time boundaries (e.g., deciding when and how often you spend time with someone).
Psychotherapist Erica Djossa, founder of the Momwell Podcast and author of “Releasing the Mother Load”, explained in an excerpt to Goop that many people —especially mothers — realise they struggle with boundaries only when their lives feel overwhelming or chaotic.
Without boundaries, life can feel like a constant juggling act to meet everyone else’s needs while ignoring your own.
For example, if family members frequently give unsolicited advice about raising their children or arrive unannounced, it can lead to resentment and frustration.
Boundaries allow you to protect your peace, manage your energy and create a more equal dynamic in relationships.
Recognising boundary issues
Here’s the tricky part: many of us aren’t taught how to set boundaries. Family often plays a central role, and it can feel especially hard to challenge expectations or traditions.
Some signs you may need to set boundaries include:
- Feeling resentful or frustrated in your relationships.
- Feeling like you give more than you receive.
- Avoiding certain people or situations because they drain your energy.
- Struggling to say no, even when it’s necessary.
If these feelings resonate, you’re not alone. Setting boundaries is a skill that takes practice, but it can dramatically improve your quality of life.
How to set healthy boundaries
Start with self-awareness: Before setting boundaries with others, take a moment to identify your own needs and limits. What behaviours make you uncomfortable? What’s draining your energy?
For example, you might realize that weekly unplanned visits from a family member disrupt your schedule.
Communicate clearly and respectfully: When setting boundaries, it’s important to be direct yet kind.
Use “I” statements to keep the focus on your feelings rather than blaming the other person. For example: Instead of saying, “You’re always showing up unannounced,” try, “I feel overwhelmed when visits aren’t planned in advance. Could we schedule our visits moving forward?”
By framing the conversation around your feelings, you reduce the chances of the other person becoming defensive.
Use scripts for common situations
Having a few go-to responses can make boundary-setting easier, especially in tricky situations. Here are some examples of common scenarios:
Unsolicited parenting advice:
“I appreciate your concern, but this is how we’ve decided to handle things as a family.”
“Thank you for sharing. If I need advice in the future, I’ll be sure to ask.”
Unannounced visits:
“It’s not a good time right now. Please let me know in advance next time so we can plan properly.”
“Thanks for thinking of us, but I need to focus on my schedule today.”
Disrespectful behaviour:
“I would appreciate it if you kept your offensive jokes around me and my family. It makes me feel uncomfortable and disrespected .”
“I understand you’re trying to help, but this is what works best for us.”
Anticipate pushback
Not everyone will welcome your boundaries with open arms — especially if they’re used to having unrestricted access to your time and energy. It’s common for people to feel hurt or confused when you set limits.
However, as Djossa explains, most people appreciate knowing the “rules of engagement” in relationships. Healthy relationships thrive when both parties feel respected and understood.
If someone continues to violate your boundaries after you’ve clearly communicated them, it’s okay to reinforce the boundary or create additional buffers.
What to do when boundaries are violated
Unfortunately, not everyone will respect your boundaries. In these cases, consider the following strategies:
Limit contact: If a family member repeatedly crosses your boundaries, reduce how often you interact with them. For example, instead of weekly visits, you might decide to meet only on special occasions.
Meet in neutral spaces: Hosting someone in your home can make it harder to set limits. Consider meeting in public spaces where interactions are naturally time-bound.
Seek support: Setting boundaries can feel isolating at times, especially when cultural expectations make it difficult. Talk to a trusted friend, therapist, or support group to help process your feelings.
In South Africa, family relationships are often shaped by cultural values and traditions. While these connections are important, it’s also okay to prioritise your mental and emotional health.
Setting boundaries doesn’t mean abandoning your family — it means creating a healthier dynamic where everyone’s needs are respected.
Take it one step at a time. You’ve got this.