How to marry a politician

Valentine’s Day is on Saturday, so how about giving some serious thought to marriage? Not just to anyone, but a politician!

You read about politicians’ wives in the social pages and wonder how they landed a life of pomp and privilege. But rather than envy them, how about learning to crack the code to becoming one yourself?

Even if you don’t aspire to be a wife to a politician, you may as well learn how to bag a man with prospects and have a good giggle at the same time.

Enter Nia Magoulianiti-McGregor’s How To Marry a Politician and Survive, a delightfully irreverent guide to luring a distinguished man in public office down the aisle, then enjoying the bounties of your conquest.

No slouch in the man-conquest department herself, Magoulianiti-McGregor pulls no punches in this cheeky manual, which is both entertaining and educating, bristling with tried-and-tested lessons in how to get him to “put a ring on it” (thanks, Beyoncé).

As she points out, “What has Gugu Mtshali got that you haven’t? You also want Liquid Chefs on your big day. And to arrive in a white, lacy mermaid dress in a black Porsche Cayenne to marry a distinguished (read: ageing but still hot) former main man (Kgalema Motlanthe) in front of fabulous guests that include a deputy president (Cyril Ramaphosa), an opposition leader (Mangosuthu Buthelezi), a mayor (Parks Tau) – hey, even Tokyo Sexwale was there.”

The author provides a map of how to get to this point over 10 chuckle-inducing chapters, starting with “The 3 P’s: Pomp, Power and the Politician”, where you get to understand the personality type of your target politician.

“He may be the eldest child or just mama’s favourite. JZ was the eldest child. FW de Klerk was the favourite child. And remember, over half of US presidents were first-borns. He had mama’s unwavering gaze on him from the moment he emerged from that nurturing womb.

Remember what father of analysis Sigmund Freud, an eldest child himself, said: ‘A man who has been the indisputable favourite of his mother keeps for life the feeling of a conqueror.’ And babe, he has conquered you, hasn’t he?,” she writes.

Occasionally Magoulianiti-McGregor takes a gratifying potshot, as in chapter 2, where you learn where to hunt your political “prey”. For example: “Some of the ‘bling politicians’ (BPs) hang out together. Juju likes fancy clubs in Rosebank and Fourways and enjoys the company of Floyd Shivambu and Andile Mngxitama who was once seen quaffing expensive glasses of whisky at The Maslow hotel in Sandton (which, for some reason, he denied). He couldn’t really deny being seen at Kitchener’s in Braamfontein as there was a photo of him propping up the bar in Sunday World.”

It’s not all tongue-in-cheek chunks of wisdom from a fellow “sistah”. Magoulianiti-McGregor has done her homework as well, interviewing a myriad experts, including international educator John Demartini; sexual health practitioner Elna McIntosh; etiquette expert Tselane Tambo; sex educator and flirt coach Catriona Boffard; coach Chi-Chi Muzariri; and even personal trainer at Virgin Active Metro Ramulifho, who imparts tips on how to get “bootylicious”.

There’s also a jocular glossary of words and phrases you should familiarise yourself with, like Breitling – “expensive but necessary watch of choice for certain politicians in order to help inspire the poor”; and Johnnie Walker – “a guy without a car. Best avoided unless he is also a Ben 10”, defined as a “young male lover of an older, usually grateful woman, easily identified by the huge smile on her face”.

Then there’s a good sprinkling of “tests” to see how well you’re doing on the learning curve. To give you an idea, one question goes:

A shady businessperson offers your new husband a discount on a very nice car in exchange for a government tender. You:

a) Say “Darling, corruption is one of the country’s biggest hurdles. Are you sure no one will find out?”

b) Write down all details, names and facts in case you need to blackmail him later.

c) Say, “Oh yay. Is it enough for a new Merc 4x4?!”

Before you take a feminist position on this raucous, fun-ride of a book, know that Magoulianiti-McGregor has thought about that and puts her position thus: “Some serious people may accuse you of taking feminism back 20 years by reading this book, and, of course, they are correct. Yes, women should be planning their own political careers, not plotting a marriage heist, but sometimes a girl needs a jump-start and to ride some coat tails for a few years before hitting her own straps.

“Ask Hillary Clinton. Or Grace Mugabe. Or Cory Aquino of the Philippines, who went from shy housewife to leader of the people. Comprendo, comrade?”

* How To Marry a Politician and Survive is published by KMM Review Publishing Company and is available from all leading book stores from this month for R174.95.