Surviving December in Mzansi: a humorous guide for the uninitiated

December in Mzansi arrives with vibes, obligations and chaos packed into one calendar month.

It is festive, loud and generous, but it also tests character. If you survive it with your bank balance, relationships and dignity mostly intact, you deserve a certificate.

Taking to Instagram, award-winning Johannesburg-based graphic designer, illustrator and content creator David Tshabalala has shared a set of funny survival tips that felt less like jokes and more like community service.

“It’s officially Dizemba. Here are tips to save money so you can make it to Januworry, but also - enjoy what’s left of the Festive,” he wrote.

First up, the bride and groom edition. To all makotis (brides), Tshabalala advised strategic illness. “Pretend to be sick around 23 December to avoid doing chores at the in-laws for Christmas,” he wrote. The advice is playful, but many felt seen.

Next is stamina. December is a marathon disguised as a sprint. “Pace yourself this festive season, otherwise your tank will literally run empty. Aim for 7 to 8 hours of sleep to help with mood, weight and energy.”

Tshabalala also advised people to “stay hydrated.”

For those on the road, a special alert. “Beware of Polo drivers,” he joked. “They could not get a golf, but they will get your girl.” 

Money matters also made the list because December comes with vibes and criminals on overtime. Banking scams and ATM fraud spike this time of year, so Tshabalala suggested carrying cash in a Woolworths bag.

“Keeping money under the mattress is so last year,” he joked.

And if you do not understand why a Woolies bag, specifically, forget about it for now. One day, the “Cat” will be out of the bag, and you will finally get it.

Public transport has its own December rules. If you pass through Noord Taxi Rank, keep your phone out of sight. Familiarity does not equal safety. 

Then there is “Januworry”. “Start preparing now,” he advised. Cancel the gym contract and make your own weights with cement-filled buckets. It is budgeting with creativity.

For family rituals you do not fully understand, technology can help. If, as a man, your uncle asks you to slaughter a sheep and you have no idea how, Tshabalala has suggested using ChatGPT voice mode with earphones and confidence.

Finally, avoid fights and distractions. “We all have a plan until we get punched in the face,” he quoted.

And remember, do not text and drive. December is not for beginners, but with humour and sense, you might just make it out alive.