Dublin - Night feedings, dirty nappies and crying offspring can really be a test of the strength and fabric of a relationship. Conor Feehan reports
They say the best test of a couple's relationship is when it comes to living together, but the real measure of how we get on as partners really comes when the birds and bees drop a bundle of joy into the already complicated equation.
Now more counsellors are reporting an increase in the numbers of couple's seeking help in healing those post-natal rifts.
Couples without children can arrive at an acceptable division of labour with relative ease thanks to level-headed compromise and adult discussion, but when junior arrives all logic goes out the window.
The 3am feeds arrive with the sleep-depriving gravity of a baseball bat blow to the cranium; the blind nocturnal Sudocrem search makes nappy changing a sport of Olympic proportions; and the semi-conscious trek to the fridge to get the next bottle suddenly makes even the most minimalist house an obstruction-filled obstacle course.
"Sometimes when couples move from being the centre of attention when a baby arrives back to normality, they find that the family image they created for themselves does not match reality," says relationship counsellor Beth Fitzpatrick of Access Counselling in Dublin.
"I know it sounds strange in a modern society, but there is still a trend of some fathers leaving the child-rearing to the mother, which can create a lot of tension."
"And if a mother has given up a career where she had a successful and fulfilling role in life, and then she is thrown into motherhood without support and reassurance from her partner, she can suddenly feel undervalued," Beth explains.
So for some couples the arrival of a baby can really be a test of the strength and fabric of a relationship, especially because the birth of the baby was expected to be such a fulfilling event.
"As well as the physical strain from lack of sleep, and the emotional strain of the new responsibility, there are also hormonal changes to the body that come in to the equation. A woman can feel very vulnerable for up totwo years after her baby is born," she adds.
'Men can also sometimes feel left out if their partner takes an attitude that the poor guy would not be able to do a particular task properly. In fact the man's involvement can only be useful, because he can feel involved, and his partner can get some rest," Beth explains.
So what can couples do if they suddenly find themselves bickering at a time when all they expected was new joy in their lives?
After all, pre-baby rows usually centred around who would do the shopping, ironing, or dishes. If neither party took any action, it wasn't going to be the end of the world.
"Share the burden; listen, validate and empathise with your partner and their concerns; remember the lives you had before the baby arrived; and take a few hours a week to be alone together.
"That's the best advice."
With three babies, we hardly get any sleep
"One child is a handful, but three really puts you on the back foot," says Grainne Cunningham, mother of triplets Harry, Jack and Luka (10 months). "With three mouths to feed and nappies to change the biggest stress we've noticed is sleep deprivation."
Says husband Simon Bradshaw: "It's like a core tiredness that one night's sleep will not cure, and we certainly argue more regularly now because of that. It certainly does test a relationship. Any niggles that every couple have about each other seem to get amplified, and we have had to learn how to discuss these issues because, left unchecked, they could develop into a sort of resentment."
"You have to work to your strengths," suggests Grainne. "Simon hates changing nappies so I do that part, but he makes up for it in other ways - like sterilising equipment and making feeds."
Says Simon: "I suppose I feel like a crap dad in that sense, but I gag when doing nappies, so I have to be very hands-on in other ways so I know I'm doing my bit."
Both Grainne and Simon say their house is very different since the arrival of the triplets.
"I miss the intimacy we had. Our house is not our own any more," says Simon.
"We have to try and make time for ourselves if we can get help with the boys, and it's important to try and steer the conversation away from babies!" adds Grainne. "I think part of the stress that having a baby brings is just because of the fact that men and women think differently. Men are fixers. If a baby cries, a man will think 'okay, what is the problem and how do we fix it?' They are methodical by nature.
"But I think mothers know they are just going to have to put up with some of the tears, and that it might not be a problem so easily solved."
How to be a star parent and partner
Celebrities have dealt with the parenting dilemma in many ways. Take Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas. They are very hands-on parents, but their marriage comes first.
"We'll drop the children off with my parents in Wales and go on a boat trip or play golf - just have fun," says Catherine who is mom to son Dylan and daughter Carys. "At some point my little babies are going to run out of the nest, and I don't want to look at Michael and say, 'Hey, remember us?'"
Then there's the Angelina Jolie/Brad Pitt relationship. Jolie split with husband Billy Bob Thornton when he refused to let her adopt any more children after little Maddox from Cambodia.
The sultry actress since went on to adopt daughter Zahara from Ethiopia.
Then Brad split with Friends star Jennifer Aniston, allegedly because he wanted kids and she didn't. Now Jolie and Pitt are together - and have a biological daughter, one-year-old Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt.
Division of labour at home with a baby also seems to have affected a career or two. Before they hooked up in 1999, Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Philippe were two hot Hollywood actors - but it's Witherspoon's star that has shone brighter since the arrival of their two kids Ava Elizabeth and Deacon. Sadly the couple are now no longer together.
"Where you raise your children isn't as important as how you raise your children," says Philippe, who has stuck to small independent movie projects since fatherhood grounded him in things less superficial than limelight.