Advice by Sahaj Kaur Kohli
Question: I've been married for 30 years. I went to high school with my husband and we dated for eight years before getting married.
He was always liberal and viewed everyone we met as equal. I never got a whiff of sexism from him.
But something bothered me: His stay-at-home mother waited on him, his father, and his two brothers hand and foot.
In college she still changed his sheets and cooked him breakfast every morning. I suspected he would need to adjust to life without a maid, but I never doubted that he could.
I was utterly side-swiped when we got married. I found out that he expected to do exactly nothing when he got home. He grew up to believe he just didn't need to.
I talked to him, and at first he said, "I'm too stressed." Then, "That's how it is, so sorry." And finally: "I guess I'm a bad person."
Never any change on his part. I work, do all the parenting, and nearly all the chores (he mows the lawn).
So now it's been 30 years and I just want to spend my remaining time taking care of myself. The kids are all gone, and so the impact is not the same. But there is a hitch.
My husband has brain cancer. While he's doing remarkably well now - and it's slow-growing - it's incurable.
He will have more surgeries, treatments and disability in his future. No part of my moral code can leave him to handle this alone.
So how do I accept my physical life will not be my own but still get a full emotional life? I don't want to be bitter and resentful in my head.
How do I find freedom in servitude? How do I find joy despite not having time to cultivate it?- Frustrated Wife
Answer: The short answer: You simply have to make the time to cultivate joy.
The long answer: You have been doing everything yourself and now the precedent is that you will continue to do everything.
Your husband doesn't feel a sense of accountability and when you've addressed this with him, there's no change.
Now, with his diagnosis, he's further cemented in a passive role.
Even in the best of relationships, caregiving can take a tremendous toll, and without that baseline mutual respect and support, it can be destructive.
Reflect on why you feel responsible to do everything. It's clear that parenting experiences and gender expectations are at play and you may want to dig in deeper to gain confidence in advocating for something different.
You crave joy and time for yourself, but I also sense hesitation that you deserve it. Why? I urge you to challenge this narrative for yourself so you can challenge it with your husband. Is there really nothing he can do more of - physically or emotionally?
Take away what everyone else expects from you, and ask yourself: What are my needs and wants?
Often resentment is a sign that boundaries are needed.
In your case, you have crossed your own need for boundaries for so long that it has merged with your husband's lack of action and understanding of you.
This is where clear communication with yourself and with your husband is key.
Audit your tasks to truly understand where your time goes. Eve Rodsky, author of ‘Fair Play,’ discusses the unequal division of labour in households and suggests making the invisible chores visible so both partners can really know what the other is doing.
Does your husband actually know all you do? If he did, he may be less inclined to look the other way. I
f he gets defensive, challenge him: "When you say that, I feel like you're not listening to or caring how this impacts me."
Look for support for these tangible tasks and for the grief you are likely experiencing, too.
Allow yourself to process your loss - of the time you were going to get back with an empty nest and of a perceived future due to your husband's diagnosis.
You deserve to be well and take care of yourself. Being a caring partner should not mean forgoing your own wellness. This is where therapy can be essential.
Even more, consider what things you want to do but feel you have no time for. This could be time with friends, a hobby, or even rest.
How can you integrate these into your weekly calendar - even just an hour - and protect it?
Once you understand your needs and wants, you can communicate them to your husband.
This may sound like: "I can't live with how things have always been done anymore; I am struggling, and I need something to change. Can we discuss what I have been thinking?"
If you keep hitting a wall, be honest with yourself - and your husband - about if you even want to be in this marriage.
You are both navigating separate experiences of your relationship and his diagnosis, but you should be able to come together as a couple to support each other.
Even if there comes a point where he can't physically or mentally perform household tasks, the underlying respect, communication, and intimacy in your relationship still matters.
Sahaj Kaur Kohli is a mental health professional and the creator of ‘Brown Girl Therapy and Culturally Enough’