In life, we have the freedom to choose our friends but family is a gift from birth. While friendships are often formed through shared interests and experiences, the bond with family members is inherent and can present unique challenges that may feel inescapable and painful at times.
For many of us, family holds immense importance. They are the support system we rely on, whether they are biological or adoptive. It is crucial to recognize that family dynamics have a significant impact on our mental health, both positively and negatively.
Understanding how our own family dynamics have shaped us is a vital step toward personal growth.
Throughout our lives, we are bound to encounter one or two toxic individuals. They may be co-workers, bosses, former partners, friends of friends, or uncooperative neighbours.
These experiences can be emotionally draining, contributing to the complexity of our family relationships.
Karl Pillemer, a professor at Cornell University and author of “Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them”, conducted a study revealing that in 2020, 27% of American adults aged 18 and above reported estrangement from a family member.
Pillemer suggests that traditional norms that compelled families to stick together at all costs have weakened. Difficult childhood experiences, differences in values and lifestyles, and unmet expectations are some of the factors driving familial estrangement.
Generational perspectives also contribute to these dynamics. Baby Boomers tend to criticise millennials and Gen Zers for their readiness to sever ties, while younger generations argue that they should not tolerate unacceptable behaviour simply because someone is related to them by blood.
Today's youth appear less bound by the notion of family obligation above all else, willing to prioritise their own happiness.
Megan Hosking, crisis line and marketing manager at Netcare Akeso, emphasises that even in the most harmonious family relationships, navigating interpersonal issues can be exceptionally challenging.
She adds, “Expectations between family members are not always aligned, and while it is perfectly normal to disagree sometimes, ongoing strain in the relationship can significantly impact this important support structure and the mental health of those involved.
“A further concern is that unresolved issues and trauma have the potential to be passed down from one generation to the next.”
Hosking notes the presence of conflict can bring about fear and anxiety, especially in family gatherings where interaction with certain individuals is unavoidable.
It is not uncommon for individuals to blame themselves or others for the strained state of a relationship, causing them to shy away from addressing the contentious issue. However, it is important to recognize the value of open communication in resolving conflict.
According to a 2015 study, toxic parents were identified as the primary cause of estrangement among adult children. This highlights the significant role toxic mothers or fathers play in family dysfunction, leading to ruptures in relationships.
Toxic behaviour can be defined in various ways, but it generally encompasses negative character traits such as defensiveness, anger issues, hostility, constant family conflict, self-centredness, narcissism, and a lack of respect towards children or partners.
It is essential to understand that a toxic relationship develops gradually, leaving you constantly feeling isolated, explains Hosking, an expert in the field.
In some cases, ending the relationship and creating distance from the toxic family member may be the best and safest solution, particularly in situations involving abuse.
However, it is worth noting that not all toxic relationships require complete separation. Sometimes, with introspection and open communication, there is an opportunity for healing and growth within the family unit.
By addressing the underlying issues, seeking professional help if necessary, and setting boundaries, individuals can navigate these difficult familial dynamics and work towards healthier relationships. It is a challenging journey, but one that is worthwhile for personal well-being and the overall harmony of the family.
She recommends the following strategy for individuals in difficult family relationships:
Mentally prepare yourself for the interaction.
Set and maintain boundaries.
Limit your expectations and practice acceptance of the things you cannot change.
Choose what information you share with the family member.
Be intentional in your interactions. For example, speak to someone neutral in the family.
Avoid trying to ‘fix’ things that do not involve you.
Practise being calm, regulate your emotional reactions and manage your stress levels.
Give yourself permission to leave if you need to.
“It is important to understand the difference between a family relationship that has moments of tension and one that is toxic.”